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June 24, 2016

CARL DIGGLER’S FRIDAY MAILBAG: Bloody ‘Ell! This Brexit News Is a Bit Dodgy, Innit?

‘Ello, lads! It’s yer barmy mate The Dig here to answer your internet postal queries about the kippers and losers of the week in Her Majesty’s Parliament, innit! After a bloody long workweek I’m proper chuffed to be sitting back with me trousers unbuckled and a spot of The McLaughlin Report on the telly and a pint of Michelob Lager… or three!

Blimey! The Brexit came and went. I didn’t make a call because British politics aren’t my cup of tea, and I was also doing an exclusive interview for the coming Digcast (more on this coming soon 😜). Other people, despite not knowing anything, offered uh, nothing. Consequences from this ole donnybrook remain to be seen, but for once, the Dig feels lucky that his 401k is mostly in sorghum futures and timeshares, guv!

In honor of the lads and birds voting “Bang On, Then” in the EU referendum, today’s song from the musical telly is by some rowdy mates who didn’t mind telling the global economy to “sod off”:

Now on to yer questionydoos:

Hey Carl, what happened in the UK? Most polls showed they would stay in the EU. Why did they take such a gamble?

– Calvin Bags in Port Arthur, TX

Well, I hate to say it, but this was a failure of democracy. After David Cameron made a highly understandable mistake of caving to a perpetually drunk racist demagogue in Nigel Farage, he made another completely reasonable error of putting the EU referendum up for a vote. Compounding this, the UK media made a multi-decade long mistake of stoking anti-immigrant fears, which played in hand with existing English dislike of the EU. That dislike was unforeseen as it came from brutal austerity politics, which most voters actually love.

In short, this was a reminder that elites usually are elite for a reason: they make the right choices. Again, I am not a UK political expert, but in the future, they should consider tighter voting hours, more restrictive polling stations, and confusing ballots so as to do away with the “weekend voters.” I’ve said it once, I’ve said it one thousand times: voting is for real voters!

Mr. Diggler, I have long been rather impressed by your prediction record in American politics, so I hope you can answer my question. I’m very scared about the economic effects of the Brexit. Do you think there will be a global recession?

– Eliott Bosworth in Cardiff, Wales

This one’s a out of my wheelhouse too, I’m afraid. The Dig’s not much of an economics expert: for such a prediction you’ll need to ask one of my financial whiz colleagues like Morning Money Ben or Becky Quick, co-host of CNBC’s Squawk Box.

But I will say this: as of writing the British pound (that’s their currency, as they don’t use the metric system) has lost a tenth of its value, and their stock exchange is teetering on the brink of collapse. So there might be some hard times ahead. Some factories shutter, a few million jobs are lost, the NHS closes, that sort of thing. Folks might need to scrimp and save for such luxuries as the latest copy of a high-class lad’s mag like Council Rumps, Snoggers, or Bottom. Yet such widespread privation and devastation is, frankly, exactly how the system should work.

Voters need to suffer for their poor decisions, such as failing to elect moderate reformers-with-results. If British voters had any sense, they would elect a multipartisan coalition parliament led by Lord Leggy Simpson and Sir Erskine-upon-Bowles. Instead they nominate such buffoons as Jeremy Corbyn, the British version of Bernie Sanders except somehow worse, if you could imagine such a thing (my respected British colleagues like Niall Ferguson and Piers Morgan could tell you some real horror stories about getting harassed on Twitter by the Corbyn Chavs). Once voters feel the effects of their frankly incorrect decisions — such as a global economic depression — they will over time learn not to make such decisions, much like a puppy equipped with a shock collar learns not to bark. So no need to worry on that front, Eliott. The system works.

Well Bernie finally said he won’t be the nominee. I guess you finally got what you wanted, you fascist revanchist.

– Molly Geir in Los Angeles, CA

Hold the phone there, Emma Scold-men. It is true that I have long predicted Bernie’s loss. I noted that he was unfit for the office of the Presidency after such outrageous violations of the discourse as waving his finger in a hostile and misogynist fashion at the debates and leading legions of unwashed basement-dwelling “bros” to harass insider journalists. I called him out for cravenly continuing to and win delegates long after we veteran pundits pronounced the Democratic race over the night of the Iowa caucus. I did those things not because I hate Bernie or want to “stan” for Hillary. I did it because that’s my job.

When I wrote that Bernie’s campaign was becoming mathematically more racist with each state they won, I was referring to objective statistical facts. When I reported that Bernie trained a ferocious cadre of Millennial harassers to rough up journalists and trigger their anxiety urination disorders, I was reporting actual, real events substantiated by security camera footage and dry cleaning receipts. And when I opined that Bernie and Trump are equally responsible for political violence to the point of being pretty much the exact same person in every way, I was proving my point by logic.

So don’t think I’m breaking out the champagne just because Bernie finally saw through his months-long “senior moment” of a campaign and felt the math. I cordially welcome him into the reality-based community and request he apologize for running for President and resign from the Senate so his seat can be filled by a respectable New England moderate like Joe Lieberman or Scott Brown.

Carl, greetings. I am writing to you on the eve of destruction of the forces of multiculturalism. The proud Briton has cast off his master in Brussels and said “Sir, this grand experiment of pluralism has gone on too far.” They have rejected the hip hop men from the islands, the Saracen hordes that trample from the Near-East, and the clannish and superstitious Polish who have a vice grip on the once-proud empire’s plumbing system.

This is a portent of what is to come. It is not Donaldp Trump in his boorish braggadocio, but dignified statesmen like Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson, and Teaston Fanny. It is men who take back their birthright and blood destiny, rather than pontificate in conspiracies and insanity.

With the grand victory and historical repudiation of Hadrian and ALL foreign masters, we will see a grand revolutions. Today, I am calling on all real conservatives to take charge of Target’s bathrooms and secede them from the main store. I am calling on Texas to vote for independence from Barack Obama’s trans tyranny now, before it’s too late and we have a modern Lexington and Concord on our hands. In Britain, they fight for the honor of Cromwell and other greats. In America, we will fight for our bathrooms.

As always, it has been a pleasure.

Deus in aeternum,

Roll those billiards!

@BilliardsFool in Boston, MA

No, BilliardsFool, the pleasure is mine! As always, I do not fully agree with my friends often ethnically violent or sexually terrifying beliefs, but I fully respect him as both a hero of the blogosphere and a conservative intellectual.

Alright Digheads, with that, I think that fifth Michelob is whispering my name. Try not to lose your hats out there!

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.