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April 29, 2016

THE DIG’S FRIDAY MAILBAG: Adios, Bernie Bros — And My Ideal Cast For A Reagan Movie

Clap yourself on the back for making it through another week, Digheads! As a reward, kick your feet up, pour yourself a drink (or three!), and let The Dig answer your questions about the hot button issues of the day.

But first, let’s play a little song for all the sad Bernie Bros who watched their favorite harasser go down in flames this week:

And now to your emails!

Howdy Dig,

Don’t know if you saw, but Will Ferrell will be playing a senile version of one of your favorite presidents, Ronald Reagan, in an upcoming flick. Who would you cast in a Reagan movie?

– Garth Pismon in Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Garth, I am so glad you asked. Obviously, I’m not too hot on the prospect of an older comedic actor (his serious turn in The Intern notwithstanding) playing Dutch. I think the story of Reagan — which is really a story of respectability and bipartisanship — should be told by the biggest heartthrobs in Tinseltown. Look, I know that DC is often called “Hollywood for ugly people.” Not only is that untrue, but it’s also hurtful. Aesthetic criticisms often undercut real points — so, to that end, attractive young actors playing the biggest figures of the Reagan era would impress onto millennials that “the process” is very cool. Here’s how I would do things:

  • Ronald Reagan – Ryan Reynolds
    This romcom head-turner would capture Reagan’s amazing sense of humor, as well as his innocence in the Iran Contra affair.
  • Oliver North – Christian Bale
    No one could portray North (disclaimer: a friend of my father) and his intensity like Christian Bale. North was in many ways similar to The Dark Knight, in fact.
  • Frank Carlucci – Lexington Steele
    Carlucci was a sexy figure, a guy who could be at Patrice Lumumba’s execution one second and a state dinner the next. Former adult performer Steele is the perfect pick to that end.
  • Tip O’Neill – Jennifer Lawrence
    Bet you didn’t see that one coming! In many ways, former Democratic Speaker of the House O’Neill is the most important figure in the Reagan story, as he and Ronnie would crack each other up with classic jokes and stories after a long day of bickering. That’s really the most important thing in all of politics — that, at the end of the day, you get along with your ideological opponent. Replacing the older, male O’Neill with a younger, more buxom version could introduce a fun flirty energy that would show a younger audience how sexy agreement can be.
  • Director and writer – Carl Diggler
    You guys out there in Hollywood know my email! Just kidding, but hey, not the craziest thing to ever happen, right?

Dear Carl,

Your repeated calls for Senator Bernie Sanders to “drop out of the race and die of old age” are highly disrespectful. First of all, Senator Sanders has won 16 states and energized millions of voters. Secondly, whilst his-

Ok, Fidel Casbro, I’m gonna let you take the rest of your call off air. Bernie’s drubbing both in New York and during the much-vaunted “Acela Primary” this Tuesday proves that he probably should have conceded after Iowa. That said, he’s accomplished a good deal. He’s moved Clinton to the left on key issues such as posting charts on Twitter and whether Benjamin Netanyahu should be given 5 Senate votes or just 3. It’s impressive that a 74-year-old Jewish socialist who can’t modulate his voice, form sentences, comb his hair, think, consume liquids without a straw, operate a computer, or live to see 2020 has come this far. That said, he should just leave us alone.

Howdy, Dig Man! What happened to the Kasich-Cruz alliance? It seems like it’s already falling apart.

– Cressica in White Plains, New York

Like all plans of mice and men, Cruz’s reptilian tongue swallowed the mice and Kasich’s nonsensical stories alienated the men. To elaborate, the deal was likely concocted when Kasich was “riding the dragon” and was liable to agree to anything. Cruz could have even sold Kasich into slavery at that point (something he is rumored to do in hobo circles). Once he came-to a few days later, the Ohioan probably realized that Cruz is just another Ivy League kid who thinks he knows everything but when it comes down to it, he’s seen a lot of guys down there trying to act like they can run the whole show, but Johnny never needed any help to get up the river on a coal caboose, no siree. This one guy — they called him Pirate on account of his glass eye — now, he really thought he was all that and the kitchen sink. But then the yard dicks came and…ah, you know. You know how it [unintelligible] is.

That’s Kasich’s end. On Cruz’s end, there was probably a lot of hemming and hawing about making an alliance with a man who has no permanent residence and may have contracted tuberculosis from a rail spike. At the end of the day, this would have never worked out.

Hey Dig,

I am so, so, so sorry.

I should have never asked for your help in my feud with fellow Twitch streamer Adam Pepsi. How could I not have realized that an Otis elevator-sucking cad like Pepsi would drag your good name into the mud like that?

The bastard Pepsi has sunk even lower than a steam engine struggling up a 19 degree incline with his scurrilous attacks on my honor. Last week he released a mod of Train Table Simulator 2014, the game we both stream, where the portrait in the rail scheduler’s office is replaced with a DOCTORED photo of me being thrown out of Red Robin for “abusing” their laughable “bottomless” fries policy (newsflash, dumbasses: it’s not “bottomless” if there’s a bottom). I took to GameFAQs to call Adam out for violating Article V of the Conductor’s Code of Ethics, but biased steam-huffing moderators — no doubt in Pepsi’s employ — deleted my threads. In one fell swoop, Adam Pepsi has made me the laughingstock of the Train Table Simulator community, and at a particularly sensitive time, as we await the release of the hotly anticipated TTS: Subway Scheduler expansion.

But don’t you worry, Dig Man. I have a plan to get revenge on Adam Pepsi for the both of us.

As you are no doubt aware, Adam Pepsi has spent the past several weeks on Twitch bragging about his hot new girlfriend HotSteam83. Ever since they met on ICQ they’ve been chatting every single day about ways to humiliate me publicly for my wise appreciation of the total superiority of diesel engines. I should know — because I’m her.

This weekend, when Adam gets off his flight at Newark airport, he won’t be greeted by a buxom, steam engine-loving train thot. No, he will be greeted by me, the master of diesel, The Milk, carrying a GoPro and livestreaming his cowardice when I demand in person he accept my challenge to a Train-Off. Yes, Adam Pepsi is going down like a smooth and efficient Thyssenkrupp elevator.

If you want to come and watch my total victory over the coward Adam Pepsi, Newark International is just a diesel train ride away! Afterwards maybe we could hang out and browse all the hot shops at the airport. What do you say, Dig? I bet Hudson Booksellers has a copy of your brilliant Think-ocracy in stock!

– David “The Milk” Milkberg, Essex Co., NJ


Again with this? In the past month I have received enough train-related correspondence from you and your little friends to last a lifetime.

This should go without saying, David, but I will not be in attendance to watch you catfish a adult manchild over some elevator-related schism. I am a serious journalist, and I have more important things to do, like meet with sources and evaluate the winners and losers of the week.

Furthermore, why I would I want to buy my own book? Next time think before you write.

From here on out, the only train I ever want to hear about is the Acela, which is exclusively used by influential East Coast sophisticates like myself. Never again contact me regarding any other locomotive. 

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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