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November 11, 2015

Everything You Need to Know About Last Night’s 2016 Fox Business Republican Debate

Did you miss last night’s GOP presidential debate on Fox Business? Then you also missed CAFE’s live tweeting!

Following is a quick rundown of what we had to say in real time last night:

After the disastrous CNBC debate last time around, Fox Business vowed to make sure that none of the questions triggered the 2016 Republican presidential candidates. And they sure delivered on their promise.

The highlight of the “kiddie table” debate was easily recently-demoted candidate Chris Christie’s China cyber warfare fantasies. No one would mess with a President Christie though!

Our very own expert political analyst Carl Diggler was ready to go.

The night’s debate was mostly focused on jobs, which Carly Fiorina knows a thing or two or 30,000 about.

It also covered the U.S. economy at large, which Ted Cruz made clear where he stands…with the American people, duh.

One of the most heated moments of the night came when Marco Rubio and Rand Paul went at it over military spending and tax credits.

Who won that exchange? Well, it depends on how long (30 years, for example) you’ve been a Beltway thought leader.

Perhaps one of the oddest moments of the night was when Ted Cruz, discussing entitlement reform, said he “wouldn’t push his mother off a cliff.” We are sure Ben Carson took the line quite literally.

Speaking of Ben Carson, it’s a bit odd how not a single candidate on the stage last night went after the current Republican front runner. In fact, this fictionalized account (below) is probably the closest Donald Trump, or any of them for that matter, came to even acknowledging the doctor’s very existence.

Some candidates, like woke Diggler’s sister from another mister, came out swinging like a slay queen…

…and others like the depressed clump of human flesh, Jeb! Bush, barely came out of the debate alive.

Really, it was quiteΒ sad to watch Jeb! Bush get owned over and over again by Donald Trump. The eccentric billionaire literally told the brother of the president who kept us safe to shut up and this sad, pathetic excuse for a man actually listened.

This really super informative and analytical word cloud from Fox Business should sum the rest of the night up for you.

Some will say the repetitive Marco Rubio (did you know his father was a bartender?) came out of the debate as the big winner…

…others will say the big winner was Rick Perry. Oops. Sorry, we mean Ted Cruz.

But to any lightly buzzed Beltway insider of 30 years who paid any sort of attention to the two debates last night, Rick Santorum was the obvious choice and clear-cut winner.