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November 20, 2015

FRIDAY MAILBAG: On GOP’s Savvy Race War; My Plan to Poll ISIS; & A Very Frank Luntz Thanksgiving

It’s Friday, so you know what that means! Time to let your hair down, have a drink or three, and rock out with The Dig’s Friday Mailbag. Apropos of my new living situation in the NYU dorms, my girlfriend has taken control of the Friday jukebox. Just like Nicki, I’m “Feeling Myself” get excited for the Iowa Caucuses, less than three months away!

I’ll be drinking champagne today to celebrate the success of my bombshell Ben Carson scoop — just don’t tell the R.A.! Seriously, don’t tell him, he’s a total hardass. Now on to your questions:

“Ben Carson likened Muslims to dogs, Donald Trump said he would force Muslims to carry special IDs and start a deportation militia, and every other Republican seems to be on the side of violent Islamophobia. Why has such violent, dangerous rhetoric become socially acceptable?”

– Sayyid in Hartford, CT

You have to realize that, while repugnant to all good people including the Dig, picking on a vulnerable minority actually makes for good politics. As my good friend Chris Cillizza noted, stirring up racial hatred is simply smart politics as it helps Republicans win primaries. Under my model of the 2016 GOP electorate, I estimate about 10% of voters are firmly in the “crypto-fascist” camp. These folks like private gun ownership, crisp uniforms, and racist vigilantism — and they want a candidate who echoes those values. With the Presidential primary as close as it’s ever been, it would be a death sentence for any candidate to abandon these voters by coming out against the pogroms and race war they fervently want.

“Why did Bobby Jindal quit the race?”

– Rachel in Roanoke, VA

One word: Oxygen. Sometimes there’s not enough of it. Conditions in your new place are too cramped, and you actually prefer the old loneliness to the constant pressure and fear you get being with another person. Of course, you regain your senses and realize you just gotta tough out the bad parts. But it’s not uncommon for people to feel like they need to pull the ripcord. Governor Jindal is no different. Besides, with the business fascist vote taken by Trump and the bottle depositor vote taken by Kasich, Jindal is a man without a country here.

“From your standpoint, what’s a policy answer to the Paris attacks?”

– Garth in Valparaiso, IN

Glad you asked. I have long called for every American to perform one year of mandatory service in our armed forces. Plus, in this modern day with our longer lifespans, later retirements, and anti-aging “T Cream” technology, the draft should be extended to men in their mid-to-late 40s who are possibly trapped in onerous new relationships with overbearing young partners and unhappy with their lives. What perfectly talented Gen Xer wouldn’t love the opportunity to both help his country and just get away from it all? The military could put these folks’ civilian skills to good use, perhaps by creating special squadrons, like a Polling Unit to gauge the mood of ISIS voters or a special Political Analysis Team to keep the generals apprised of the winners and losers of the week.

“Any Thanksgiving plans, Dig?”

– Savannah in St. Paul, MN

You bet! With our nosy R.A. and annoying roommate gone, this year my girlfriend KweenTrashWytch✨✨ and I are playing host in our NYU dorm. Our guest list includes superstar TV/radio personality Michael Smerconish, polling wizard and close friend Frank Luntz, and my precious son Colby, of whom I’ve been granted unsupervised custody for the entire weekend. As always, we’ll be setting a place and filling a plate for Col. Dig Sr. in the hopes he can make it back from Syria in time. This is shaping up to be the biggest celebration since ex-Mrs. Dig and I spent Turkey Day with Richard Armitage and Bob Novak in 2002 (oh, the gossip at that table!).

Thanksgiving can be a stressful time, but there’s just so much to look forward to — and be thankful for — this year. I simply cannot see this being a bad time!

NOTE TO READERS: My girlfriend has demanded I devote the last 40% of my column to her, and as an intersectional feminist of course I’m completely okay with this. As a veteran political reporter I don’t necessarily agree with her analysis, but in a relationship you’re forced to compromise in the spirit of Reagan and Tip O’Neill. In the interest of signal boosting an underprivileged female voice, here’s KweenTrashWytch✨✨:

(SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

“With Lindsey Graham off the undercard debates, where does the Senator go from here? I appreciate his voice of bipartisanship but fear he doesn’t have a way up here.”

– Stephen in Montauk, NY

Lindsey Graham is a living example of the wages of toxic masculinity tbh. Old white dudes like him drop bombs from their airplanes yet are too fragile to confront their own toxic behavior tho. He’s a role model for weaker men, too. It’s already enough that Carl works with Professor Jeff, one of the most repugnant men I’ve ever seen, so I’m not finna let my boyfriend to watch his speeches, put up posters of him, or write letters to CNN caping for him so he can be allowed to spread his kind of insecure emotional terrorism on TV. ✨✨

“Hey Dig, what’s good? LOL just trying some new stuff I’ve seen online. Anyway, I would love to make it to your Thanksgiving, should you need someone to bring the pumpkins (I got a ton leftover from Halloween) and Kool Aid! Also, after seeing you live it up on campus, I’ve been getting the itch go back to school myself. Could you write me a letter of recommendation to NYU?”

– David “The Milk” Milkberg in Essex County, NJ

Milkberg mayo ass piece of shit, FOH with your can I have entry to Thanksgiving AND NYU. No one owes you a damn thing you see the corners of this Earth as belonging to you just cause you’re seeing them fam. Drink a glass of water, scum. ✨✨

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.