FRIDAY MAILBAG: The New Cool Jeb, Carson’s Pyramid Masterstroke & Being Woke

FRIDAY MAILBAG: The New Cool Jeb, Carson’s Pyramid Masterstroke & Being Woke

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Horizontal Byline Diggler

How’s the famo today? It’s been a huge week in the world of politics, what with Ben Carson’s pyramid gaffe, Donald Trump’s upcoming SNL appearance, and — my personal winner of the week — Carl Diggler’s feisty new feminist girlfriend. So buckle up, grab a drink or three, and settle in with this woke ditty I found on my paramour KweenTrashWytch✨✨‘s Tumblr. (Caution: The lyrics are a tad NSFW, but RiRi holds a special place in my heart for personal reasons.)

Now on to your questions:

Hey Dig,

Whoa, I knew you were a slick operator before, but now I see you dating a dime from Tumblr. OMG. What’s the secret to your digital dating game? The Milk is hurting for some as it’s been quite a while, and I’m ready to learn at the feet of a master. Don’t hog all those butter pecan sweeties!

-David “The Milk” Milkberg, Essex County, NJ

First off, David, no one gave you permission to crud up my timeline with your white male entitlement. Stop calling women “sweetie.” That’s such a mayo boy move, David. They (slap) don’t (slap) owe (slap) you (slap) anything. Second, if you want to have a relationship of mutual respect and sexual expression like I’ve been so lucky to attain, you need to start treating thots with the respect they deserve. If you plan to address a fine Tumblrina of the caliber of my girlfriend KweenTrashWytch✨✨ then you need to get woke up and give your money to them. That’s just dating in 2015.

What do you think about the week Jeb!’s had? Seems like everyone is laughing at his “Jeb Can Fix It” makeover.

-Mykol in Waukegan, IL

One thing’s for sure: I’m living proof that it’s never too late for an older man to “get it.” I’m really enjoying the new, cool Jeb. His relaxed, joking attitude and tech savvy are shining through, but it’s just not going to be enough for the droves who will bow down to Slay Queen Carly. Sorry Jeb, you can “Macbook Pro, baby!” till the cows come home, but you just don’t have the swag to fix your poll numbers.

I’m sure you saw Ben Carson’s personal theory that the Pyramids were built by Joseph to store grain. Is he even a serious candidate anymore? –

Michelle in Rock Ridge, ID

We in the Twitterati have definitely had a fun week snarking on Dr. Carson, but I’m not so sure his Pyramid theory hurts him with flyover country voters. My gut tells me a lot of evangelicals have their own crazy ideas about the Pyramids, or the Great Wall of China (built to keep ghosts out), or the Leaning Tower of Pisa (knocked over by Hercules). These folks were just waiting for a candidate to get in front of the Pyramid Issue.

As far as I’m concerned, every day we’re talking Pyramids is a day Ben Carson is winning the news cycle. Now I don’t agree with Carson (after all, where did those spooky mummies come from?), but to a GOP base worried about the Muslim Brotherhood — which comes from the land of Pyramids, mind you — seeing a candidate take their concerns seriously is important.

Hey Dig, What are your big plans this weekend? It’s such a busy week of debates coming up, I imagine you’re recharging the ole batteries before going back into the trenches with your trusty notepad and pen!

-David “The Milk” Milkberg, Essex County, NJ

First off, David, two questions in one week? Stay in your lane. I’ve given you enough emotional labor to last a lifetime. Second of all, I’m going to be kicking back and enjoying Donald Trump’s turn hosting “SNL.

Sure, we can argue about the issues all day, but ideological enemies coming together when the work week is done and sharing some laughs is what it’s all about. Politics can be a rough and tumble game, but it’s just as much of a community as it is a competition. If you can’t grab a drink or two with someone across the aisle, share a laugh, and see your fellow man or woman behind the big issues, then this game ain’t for you!

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? Want to PayPal him for his emotional labor? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.