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March 25, 2016

CARL DIGGLER ANALYSIS: Ted Cruz’s Sex Scandal is Just the Break He Needs!

Howdy Dig-heads! While I was excited to give you another hybrid strain of my regular Friday mailbag mixed in with my trademark weekend primary calls to chew on, my buzz got harshed by a potential major scandal centered around Senator Ted Cruz! Since it dominated my inbox, we’re going to lead off with our most hideous, soul-curdling take on the Ted Cruz sex scandal!

But before we do that, let’s set some mood music:

Hey Dig, the National Enquirer released a story claiming Ted Cruz had five affairs. The Enquirer has a pretty good record what with John Edwards and all. If this is true, what happens from here?

Gerry Yancester in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania

This is in some ways great for Ted Cruz. No, scratch that. It’s great for Cruz in almost every way.

The biggest issue Ted Cruz has run into this campaign has been people refusing to accept him as a human being. They look at his flesh, that resembles ashen wood that was bloated with water, then dried into a warped version of itself. They see his terrifying Russian doll eyes. They look at his gut, that isn’t large in the way Chris Christie’s is, but heaving, as if he’s carrying an egg similar to that of a lizard in pregnancy. They hear his voice screech about ad hominem attacks and the gold standard. Even if they agree with him, they’re likely to think, “someone should put him out of his misery.”

But a potential series of sex scandals would be a gamechanger. Once people get past the horrifying mental image of Cruz removing his proboscis from his pleated jeans, they’ll realize this is more or less a human being who has normal carnal desires. He’s standing in front of us and saying, yes, I am a man. Yes, I get desires. No, my mating habits do not differ from a normal person’s just because of my wholly repulsive being. Cruz may lose a bit of evangelical support, but he can more than make that up in the millions who were on the fence about his humanity. The fact that he can point to a potential five women that love him and accept his melted candle body is absolutely massive.

On a personal note, I must say that if Ted Cruz gets divorced as a result of this, it would be huge. From my own experience, divorces are catalysts for personal renaissances. Out of the ashes of family court, you arise a new man, and most importantly a new bachelor. I could see divorced candidate Cruz doing all the cool divorced guy things, such as trying out a new earring, unbuttoning that shirt just a little lower than normal, and listening to EDM. A man unchained is a man you must fear. Donald Trump better hope Cruz’s marriage stays together in light of these allegations, as he would have what is basically a brand new opponent in front of him. Ted, if you get the old heave ho, I’m here for you and can’t wait to see you blossom into a new man.

Now, onto my Tiny Saturday forecasts of the three Democratic caucuses taking place tomorrow:

Washington Democratic caucus (101 delegates)

At first blush the land of Boeing and Microsoft and serious adult films like Sleepless in Seattle doesn’t seem like it would reward a candidate whose supporters prefer such juvenile fare as Deadpool and Adobe Firefox. It’s true that your average Washingtonian is a 9-to-5 hardhat kind of guy who goes home after a long hard day of welding the drones that keep America safe in Waziristan and Yemen, kicks off his workboots, and knocks down a few dozen Michelobs watching critically-acclaimed network comedies like 2 Broke Girls. But Washington is a caucus state, which means the folks who show up to vote are anything but normal.

The voters who will decide tomorrow’s Washington caucuses are what I like to call “Riot Grrrl Democrats.” Their main issues are reducing the cost of photocopying zines, ending the “one in, one out” penalty, and increasing subsidies for putting boys at the back of punk shows. One would think these acolytes of Bratmobile, Bikini Kill, and Sleater Kinney would flock to Hillary Clinton, a fellow female who has promised to form a committee to evaluate the constitutionality of drink minimums. Yet these riot grrrl votrrrs are fully in Bernie’s camp, seduced by the Vermont socialist’s promises of putting Glenn Danzig behind bars, where he belongs. In this veteran pundit’s mind, it “smells like Bern spirit” in Washington state.

Alaska Democratic caucus (16 delegates)

Rural areas populated by angry misogynists, remote Inuit tribes who have not yet learned about intersectional feminism, a whole population gaslit by the Northern Lights… I can see Bernie from my house!

Hawaii Democratic caucus (25 delegates)

Hawaii is one of the hardest states to call. Every data-driven coward has abstained from the island, reflecting the abstinence present in their personal lives. Not me, though.

I’m calling the Aloha State for Hillary Clinton; Clinton has gotten big endorsement from Native Hawaiian groups, unions, and other groups that vote consistently. Sure, Bernie got a big one from Rep. Tulsi Gibbard, but she squandered any goodwill by immediately quitting her position at the DNC thereafter in solidarity with Sanders’ mostly-unemployed supporters. Whatever the outcome, it’s probably gonna be a nailbiter. Brew a jug of your favorite kona coffee, put some flowers on your neck, and get ready for a contest that will leave you saying “shaka!” (Hawaiian for “wow!”).

Unfortunately, this leaves me with only one question left in the mailbag:

Howdy, Digerino! When I saw your lawsuit against the Twitter trolls, I couldn’t help but weep tears of joy at such a brave legal challenge on the level of the Dred Scott battle. As Mr. Lincoln said, an injustice somewhere is an injustice everywhere. I hope I’m not being too forward when I ask that, as a fellow lover of justice and legal genius, perhaps you can help me with my own struggle.

As you know from my many text messages, my civil rights were violated on the New Jersey PATH train. On Feb. 17, I legally purchased a ticket entitling me to a ride to the Middle East Coast ZentaiCon in Hoboken. On this train I chose — as is my right as a sovereign citizen — to ride in the conductor’s car. If you look at the language of PATH train tickets, this is clearly not explicitly disallowed. Yet when I went to the car, I was told I had “no right” to be there. Then a New Jersey transit cop, who didn’t even wear an epaulette, demanded my identification. Of course I explained that as a sovereign citizen I had no obligation to provide this STRANGER with my ID, and proceeded, as per my Constitutional rights, to assist the conductor with the operation of the train using my wealth of knowledge about various train engine sizes and types. These vicious thugs rejected my wealth of experience, and humiliated me by throwing off at East Rutherford, where I was unable to board another train and instead forced to call my m*ther to demand she call an Uber vehicle (inefficient) to bring me back home.

Obviously I have an open-and-shut case, Dig. But could you help me out by filing an amicus curiae brief or, better yet, signing up as a co-plaintiff in my million-dollar suit against the Port Authority?

David “The Milk” Milkberg, Essex Co., NJ

David, I am a serious journalist, and not someone you can call upon to solve your train-related legal issues. As you clearly know but have so stupidly forgotten, I am in the midst of a $500,000,000 legal battle against Twitter trolls, Tinder and others. In no event do I have time to assist you.

Furthermore, if you weren’t so willfully stupid you would know that I am currently engaged in a separate legal battle with the New Jersey Transit and Port Authority over the dangerous and unacceptable conditions in their train stations. Assisting you with your futile and asinine crusade would only hurt my case. You are hereby legally enjoined, in the face of the fringeless flag and God almighty, from requesting me to bail you out of your frivolous lawsuits, from here to the edge of eternity.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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