On this day in 1989, Germans began demolishing the Berlin Wall, despite the obvious risks to border security.
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES TO DEBATE BEST METHOD TO KILL BABY HITLER
IT’S FUN TO WATCH HIM SUFFER!—In preparation for Tuesday night’s debate, Jeb Bush tweeted that he would kill Baby Hitler on Tuesday, if given a chance.
ANALYSTS NOTED THAT “MODERATE” BUSH would probably would not be given a chance because he’s currently in fifth place in nearly every poll, including “Most Popular Bush,” “Sexiest Mitt Romney Impersonator,” and “Least Popular Jeb.”
HOWEVER, HE IS RUNNING FIRST FOR “Guy Most Likely to Embarrass Himself By Jumping On the Baby Hitler Thing Weeks Too Late.”
IS THERE ANY POSITION EASIER THAN SAYING you’d kill Baby Hitler? You just have to find that baby with the little Baby Hitler mustache.
BUSH WILL REPORTEDLY GO AFTER MARCO RUBIO for being too pro-life in tonight’s debate, which is like accusing a Republican of getting too excited by the sight of Ronald Reagan.
IF BUSH’S CAMPAIGN ISN’T A CONSPIRACY to help Rubio win the nomination, now would be a good time to start pretending it is.
HOPEFULLY “MODERATE” MARCO RUBIO WILL BE asked to explain his ridiculous proposal for $11.8 trillion in tax breaks. That’s three times larger than the Bush tax breaks, with more than $4 trillion going to the richest. $4 trillion is coincidentally the amount Jeb Bush would have to give out to make Republicans like him.
MEANWHILE “MODERATE” CHRIS CHRISTIE VETOED AN AUTOMATIC VOTER REGISTRATION BILL, which would have added 1.6 million New Jerseyans to the voter rolls. If you’re trying to make it harder for people in the state you’ve led for 5 years to vote, the electoral math may not be too great for you.
THE DEBATE WILL TAKE PLACE ON THE FOX “BUSINESS” CHANNEL so expect the toughest question to be: Given a chance to kill Baby Obama, what sort of firearm would you use?
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…
IN TODAY’S CAFE, can this exclusive, scandalous new video of a major figure admitting to killing babies possibly be real?
AND CAFE’S CHIEF BELTWAY INSIDER HACK, Carl “The Dig” Diggler, previews tonight’s GOP debate, explaining why Rand Paul is proof God doesn’t exist (and why he’s not going to mansplain what Carly Fiorina should do tonight!).
SENATORS GIVE THEMSELVES 21 WEEKS OF PAID LEAVE
EVEN BEARS DON’T TAKE 5 MONTHS OFF—The Senate will only be in session for 31 weeks in 2016. The United States is the only first world nation that does not require employers to offer any paid leave.
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL EXPLAINED the discrepancy between average citizens and their representatives by pointing out, “The average citizen doesn’t have to work with Ted Cruz.”
BUT SERIOUSLY. Senators will spend most of the next year begging for money to help themselves or their colleagues keep a job that’s really like 7/12 of a job.
GUY BEHIND THE STARBUCKS CUP “WAR ON CHRISTMAS” THING IS EXACTLY WHO YOU’D THINK HE IS
YOUR CHRISTIANS ARE SO UNLIKE YOUR CHRIST—”Racism is over” but Christmas is under attack is something some actual adults think.
JOSHUA FEUERSTEIN — the guy behind the “Starbucks hates Jesus” video that now has more than 13 million views — is one of them.
ON TUESDAY FEUERSTEIN WENT ON CNN with Sirius Radio’s Pete Dominick to explain why Starbucks’ “Christmas Blend” isn’t enough to make up for its Grinch-inspired red cup of hate for God.
DOMINICK DECONSTRUCTED THE EX-PASTOR’S RAMBLINGS and called out Feuerstein’s anti-gay rantings. But Feuerstein performed the ultimate self-clowning by needing to point out that Barack Obama is actually a Secret Muslim, a belief popular among people whose favorite civil rights leader is Bill O’Reilly.
And they say college students are overly sensitive.
JUST DON’T SAY NO—With 20 of Crane, Texas’ 300 high school students having contracted Chlamydia, the district’s superintendent is reconsidering its abstinence education program. The Centers for Disease Control have called the situation an “epidemic.”
PRESUMABLY, they’re referring to to the Chlamydia, not abstinence education.