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April 20, 2016

CARL DIGGLER’S BIRTHDAY SPECIAL: Enjoy These Wishes I Got From Several Heads of State

Happy birthday — or, should I say, Happy BirthDIG — to me, the Dig! And what better gift than my New York primary predictions coming in as 100% correct! That’s right, I predicted not just the winners of both parties’ primaries, but the exact first, second, and third finishes of the Republican field. Not too shabby, huh?

Other, feebler pundits (*cough* calculator coward Nate Silver *cough*) would never dare meddle in such unhallowed prediction magic. But The Dig did it in New Hampshire and Iowa, and The Dig’s going to keep calling these races as long as they keep running them! Some may fear I’m just showing off, but as I like to say, it ain’t stuntin’ if you got it!

Indeed, on April 19, 2016, history was made. Despite dedicated efforts to increase racism, endless anti-women harassment, and insolence towards respected pundits, Hillary Clinton won her home state of New York. Against all odds, she prevailed.

This is history, folks. This is what we live for.

Of course, Bernie did well in economically depressed, misogynoir-ridden Rust Belt towns like Buffalo and the harassment capital of the East Coast that is Ithaca, New York, but it simply wasn’t enough to put him over the top. As I predicted one month ago, Bernie got flattened by all the gabbagool in the Big Apple and should probably suspend his campaign, resign from the Senate, abandon his house, and walk the mountains until God takes him as penance for his rude and unwinnable campaign.

On the GOP side, Donald Trump dominated, but as I so smartly predicted, drifter Governor John Kasich wasn’t far behind. Cuyahoga Johnny, with his meandering stories about mailmen, subway showtime routines, and fleet-footed ability to run out on checks, easily snatched second place from mucilaginous toad creature Ted Cruz. In fact, while Trump romped in every other county in New York, Kasich snuck off with the prize of Manhattan, earning the itinerant Governor three delegates, AKA accomplices in the many windowsill pie-snatching schemes Kasich has planned for a contested GOP convention in Cleveland.


As you may already know, it’s my Birthdig! It’s the big 4-6, but I’m not over the hill just yet! So much has happened in my life this past year, from being hired as CAFE’s Chief Political Analyst to being a POW in Russia to winning a pivotal Motion to Admit Libelous Tweets in my multiyear family court battle. I look forward to new challenges and experiences that 2016 has to offer, but I also want to use the opportunity of my cakeday to take a look back at how far I’ve come.

Growing up as something of a latchkey kid, birthdays were usually a pretty solitary affair. My dad Col. Dig Sr. was always off on some big military assignment in Iran or Nicaragua, leaving me the man of the house. I remember waking up bright and early on my 14th birthday, running down the stairs in my Nelson Rockefeller ’76 PJs to fix myself a special birthday pancake in the shape of radical moderate John Anderson’s face. Then I’d turn on the tube and watch my favorite TV show The McLaughlin Group, where I’d pretend that my friends Pat Buchanan and Eleanor Clift were singing me the “Happy Birthday” song.

As I’ve gotten older, my traditions have grown more mature. I’ll crack open a Birthday Michelob around 12:05 in the afternoon, then get myself a whole fresh rainbow trout to eat, sans chaleur. Yes, I eschew cooking the fish on my birthday, choosing to savor the full-bodied viscous goodness without mean ole mister saucepan robbing me of a single drop of those ichthyoid juices. On your birthday, you take risks, do things you usually wouldn’t do because you’ve made it another year. For me, that’s what a raw fish represents.

Another fun thing about getting older is the birthday wishes you get. When I was a young man, I’d get birthday cards from teachers. Now as a respected journalist, it’s heads of state! Check this sweet wish from the President of Azerbaijan:

Dearest European Journalist,

Happy congratulations to another life year.

As you are aware the deceitful Armenians have turned missiles on Azerbaijan’s proud Baku International Seaport which ships 1.3 tons of vital Kavlaskh annually on the Caspian Sea throughout Central Asia.

If the bellicose Armenian vermin have their way, they will sever this vital link and threaten stability throughout the Caucasus and indeed as far as the Balkans. Your continued support is a treasure.

Armenia is barely even a colony. It is not a country.

Exterminate The Rodents,

President Ilham Aliyev

Or this sweet message from Khalifa al-Thani of Qatar!

Dear recipient,

The Emirate of Qatar appreciates your work in the American webblog “Huffington Post.” We wish you a grand year of defending allies of stability in the Gulf region such as Senator Lindsey Graham and Senator John McCain. May the prophet *PBUH grant any children you may have the power to propagate and submit.

Destroy the apostate Assad

It’s not just leaders who have sent me birthday tidings, either. Check out this missive from the leader of Norway’s National-Christian Resistance Front:

Dear Mr. Diggler,

I appreciated your letter dated March 17, “Why Europe Needs A Radical Centrist Coalition Of Muslims And Neo-Fascists.” While we are not “neo-fascists,” as you casually say, I agree with your sentiment that our party which bears the Hammer of Odin should force its way into Parliament to make necessary and drastic changes to the election laws.

I wish you a happy birthday and congratulate you on your career of fair and balanced reporting and willingness to listen to “both sides,” as you say. As a gift I have enclosed a copy of our party platform, Blood And Iron, along with some pamphlets that will help you find the middle ground regarding the “Great Lie” spread by enemies of the peaceful German occupation of the 1940s.

Hail Yog-Sothoth,

Halshugge Jødene,

This stuff is really humbling to me. I’m just a simple guy who writes about politics, but these guys take time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. Not bad for a kid who was picked last in dodgeball due to his Back Cyst Leaking Disorder. So let’s raise a succulent Birthday fish to The Dig! 48 down, 48 more years of Beltway insider wisdom!

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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