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November 30, 2015

THE DIG: Carl Has Taken an Indefinite Leave of Absence & I’m Filling In Today

Note: Cafe’s chief political columnist Carl Diggler, regular author of The Dig, has taken an indefinite leave of absence. Filling in for him today is national security expert Prof. Jeff Wilhelm.

Whenever God discontinues the F-16 program, he ups funding to the F-22 program. That’s right, noted coward Carl Diggler has disappeared. While enthusiasts of absurd weakness, wormishness, and genetic failure are upset due to Carl either eating a shotgun or running away to Mexico (I truthfully do not care), I’ve been given his responsibilities. That’s something we can all celebrate.

Before he went insane, Carl left a document labeled “article notes.” It’s full of inscrutable nonsense like “Hillary + Huntsman = Win” and “Gary Condit comeback time?” These are the yelps of a madman, and I will not legitimize them. Since no one who’s worth anything cares about that politics shit, here’s your Syria update.

This past week or so, the Wonkosphere has been abuzz about the Russian Sukhoi Su-24 that was shot down by Turkish F-16s. It’s been a dominant issue, and it’s pretty obvious why. For one, the Russians are embarrassed that their bitch aircraft was reduced to its rightful bitch status by American-made planes. This whole event showed that even people in a weird country like Turkey can operate these jets to maximum efficacy. The implications here are massive; if they can do it, an American child could probably hop in an F-16 and wipe out three Sukhois. That’s just logic.

For two, this portends tensions between NATO and Russia. What with the Russians plainly invading Turkish airspace and being given adequate warnings over the course of 17 seconds and the Russian anger at the Turkomen rebels shooting down their helicopter after the jet incident, this has the potential to get ugly. Us NatSec experts are calling the coming boiling over of these simmering tensions “The Battle Of The Barely Whites,” as it’s pretty obvious neither of these nations is “traditionally” white. Not trying to offend people, it’s just pretty obvious.

I don’t want to alarm anyone here, but a high level NATO general has told me that Russia already has 120 mininukes planted strategically around Turkey, and they could go off any day now. Obviously, the smart choice for Tayyip Erdogan is a massive ground invasion of Russia.

The time is right; with winter on the horizon, the insectoid Russian people will be fortifying themselves with their strange clear liquors to convert the ethanol into fat as protection against the coming cold. Yes, some people perform better while drunk. It’s true that yours truly is a talented drunk driver and was unofficially voted the best buzzed cruiser in the entire NSA during my tenure there. However, that is a rare talent, and the Russians are talentless people. The brutal Turks should have no problem mowing down the sodden Kremlin infantry.

Yes, ground war is ugly. Yes, no one wants another world war. But in the absence of another rational choice, this is the one that makes sense. The Russians more than likely purposefully got their plane shot down to provoke a reaction, and the only choice is to give them twice the reaction they planned on.

A NATO member obliterating Putin will cause a nuclear war. Again, I don’t want to alarm people, but there is probably a 100% chance of this occurring. As such, one of the only safe places in North America will be Minnetonka, MN, which is coincidentally where I reside. I have a very large basement, two guns, and pretty much everything else needed to avoid the upcoming calamity. I’d like to use this opportunity to extend an invitation to adult film actress Bree Olson and as many of her friends as she’d like to bring. Bree, you will be safe with me. Let’s repopulate, honey.

Anyway, that’s the real scoop on the global haps. If you have questions, comments, and concerns, send them to OhImSorryID[email protected]

Editor’s note: If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Carl Diggler, please e-mail [email protected] or notify the police.

Professor Jeff Wilhelm is a father, husband, key party organizer, and analyst working from home. He is the author of “Iran So Far Away: The Hitler Of Nations” and is working on an espionage novel “Decisionpoint–The Wife’s Husband.” He is on Twitter at @Real_Prof_Jeff.