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October 19, 2015

“THE DIG” EXCLUSIVE: How the “Bernie Baby” will ruin our America

An ugly new phenomenon has emerged in American political discourse — and it doesn’t wake up till noon.

Bernie Sanders’ latest screaming diehard is the “Bernie Baby,” your “be careful what you wish for” outcome when you bemoan millennials’ apathy.

The Bernie Baby is male. He’s white. He’s “passionate” about politics. He probably has a two syllable first and last name.. He “blogs” about “politics”.

The Bernie Baby is the loudest voice in the room. He screams about wanting free education and health insurance while shouting down his keener peers who want “uncool” yet essential things like entitlement reform. He causes you to cross the street two blocks ahead because he might snidely say “nice shirt” and you don’t know if he’s joking or not, but the rumination over this totally ruins your day.

The Bernie Baby has a trust fund, but works at Starbucks, and is on unemployment. He sees your shoes and scornfully mutters that they probably cost as much as his health deductible. He’s too good for the foreign policy practicality of Hillary, because as a part-time worker at best, he could never secure a draft deferment.

The Bernie Baby loves something called “The Family Guy,” a cartoon where everyone is white. (They had a black character but they gave him his own show.) This, of course, mirrors his neighborhood’s dynamics. When “Family Guy” creator Seth McFarlane endorsed Senator Sanders last week, the Bernie Baby probably rolled out of a “Chewbaca Like A Boss” bedspread, shared it on his iPad, returned to his bed for a “JO sesh” marred by a need for a bowel movement, actually paused his self-pleasure to relieve himself, then halfheartedly finished and slipped into a dream of the day where Mr. McFarlane congratulates him on his oh-so-correct politics. He wakes up and instructs other grotesques on Reddit how to keto diet.

The Bernie Baby, despite his sloth-like lifestyle, has no trouble on Tinder. Hell, these Hillary Sisters on Tinder don’t care if there’s an experienced man there, who’s covered everything from the Iowa caucuses to the South Carolina primaries. They’ve already made up their mind that this slovenly half-wit is going to rub his uneven beard on their Sephora-enhanced faces, all while their parents’ HBOGo streams in the background, providing a punctuation to their SSRI-dampened “hook up”.

Why do I care? Why do I direct my scorn at these angry and ignorant young men?

During one of my (supervised — thank you family courts) weekends with my son Colby, I had an epiphany. I looked at my round boy. I saw the sun hitting his “Supreme” hat crookedly appointed on his mound-like head as he was lost in a video game (the court-appointed supervisor ruled that I couldn’t watch the Anita Hill testimony of Clarence Thomas’ confirmation with him). It hit me. What if my boy was a girl? What if my son was born a daughter?

Despite getting the best political education possible from his pop, she’d be shouted over and mansplained to by these Bernie Babies. She’d be at the mercy of the universe, hoping that men like me were around to protect her and her rational policy choices from the shouts of these infants. And that’s a sorrowful wish, because respectable, impartial men who continue to stand up for females (despite receiving absolutely nothing in return, no matter what they deserve, for sticking their necks out, not even recognition, much less companionship) are disappearing.

The Bernie Baby will one day learn to walk. Or maybe he’ll continue crawling. Luckily, his instant gratification-rattled mind has inured him to taking up a cause for more than 7 months. Just ask him how his parkour career from 2013 is headed. But by then, maybe he’ll have moved onto Baby Manarchism, or Toddler Socialism, or Tyke Hoxhaism. Maybe this entitled brat will have moved in with your ex-wife, our broken courts deeming him a suitable stepfather, living high off the hog on outsized child-support dues. Either way, one thing is clear: amid the rise of the Bernie Baby, we’ve gotta pray for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome like we never have before.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman.”