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October 30, 2015

THE DIG’S FRIDAY MAILBAG: Taking Your Questions on Dating, My Estranged Father & The Most Charismatic Bush Brother

Welcome, boys and ghouls, to a spooktacular edition of the Dig’s Three Martini Mailbag. Expect visits from Jeb Bush’s undead campaign, a headless Speaker of the House, the ghost of Arlen Specter, and the scariest thing of all: twelve more months of the Presidential campaign! Aaaaaaahhhh! (Just kidding, the Dig lives for politics!)

Before we get into your questions, here’s a scary song to set the mood:

Now, on to your questions!

Hey Dig,

I loved your live-tweets of the debate two nights ago. I saw you tweeting with some net-babes over there. Granted, my neck of the woods is no “BKLYN”, but there are some quite eligible bachelorettes here that a veteran reporter and gentleman such as yourself would charm senseless. Let me know if you want to come to Essex County to watch the next debate! My only request is that you save some honeys for me, Dig!

-Carl “The Milk” Milkberg, Essex Co., NJ

Sorry, no

You brought up your father, Dig Sr., in your tipping article earlier this week. He sounds like a remarkable man. What’s the story there?

 –Keagan in Shakopee, MN

Growing up, Colonel Dig was sparse, given his numerous work assignments in Central America, Southeast Asia, and pretty much anywhere you could think of. I often felt like he was at two places at once, something he definitely passed on to a certain son of his that gravitates towards airports! Dad would always bring back something fun, like a hysterical novelty fake skull he got me from a work trip to Cambodia in the mid-70s.

He was tough, but fair, as a single dad must be. La Casa De Dig wasn’t without fun, however! I remember clearly on September 11, 1973, The Colonel got a phonecall from work and smiled ear to ear before giving Lil’ Dig a hundred bucks (that was real money in the 70s, kids!) and telling me that while he was going to be in Chile for the next week, I should treat myself to whatever takeout I wanted. And believe me, I did!

While some kids had dads that were around more often, I think I won the “father lottery” so to speak.

Dig, what can Jeb possibly do to come back? Is the Bush campaign a completely lost cause, or is there a Hail Mary he can pull out?

-Jordan in Provo, UT

Jordan, one thing’s for certain, two things for sure: if Jeb stays the course, he’ll run headlong into an iceberg. But he does have a secret weapon. That weapon’s name is his charismatic brother, Neil Bush. Neil is a businessman, a philanthropist, and all around international playboy. While he doesn’t have the spotless presentation of his elder brother, his charm is undeniable.

Yes, Neil was prosecuted in the S&L scandal, but in the heady drug-fueled latter Reagan years, indictments were handed out like candy, whether deserved or not. Neil’s friendship with Reverend Moon and frequent trips to Thailand could go a long way towards ameliorating Jeb’s comments about Asian anchor babies. Plus, hey, it never hurt amongst women voters to have a looker like Neil front and center.

I guarantee after a month of campaign stops filled with Neil’s amusing anecdotes about his numerous failed business ventures, marriages, and good old boy sense of humor, Jeb will be back in double digits.

Why did so many candidates attack the media at the GOP debate? I swear, they spent more time going after CNBC than they did going after each other!

-Kiki in Hilo, HI

As a veteran political journalist I can tell you that the knock against us media types is none of us have a perfect batting average. That’s right, the Dig has been wrong before, and he’s not ashamed to admit it. There was the time I said Gary Hart would be the Democrats’ savior by primarying Bill Clinton in ’96, my ten-part series on Quaylementum in 2000, and my prediction, at the age of 12, that John Anderson’s aggressive moderation would make him a force to reckon with in 1980.

Each time one of us picks the wrong Winner of the Week or assigns too many cartoon Pinocchios to a fact check it erodes voters’ confidence in our abilities as society’s elite gatekeepers. But at the end of the day, the candidates know they need us to rank their debate hairdos and memebility factors in an easily-digestible report card-type format to help voters make sense of the news.

What are The Dig’s plans for Halloween?

-Carter in St. Croix, VI

Normally I would go out trick-or-treating with Dig Jr., but I’m legally enjoined from doing so because forcing my son to dress up like five star NATO general Wesley Clark five years in a row is somehow “degrading” (don’t ask). So I’ll be sitting at home with a big bucket of Charleston Chews waiting for trick-or-treaters and rewatching the Whitewater hearings on VHS. That’s about as good as it gets for me!

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.