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March 16, 2016

CARL DIGGLER ANALYSIS: Time For Bernie to Drop Out & Focus On Replacing DNC Chair With Alan Simpson

As Digheads likely know by now, The Dig correctly called 9 of the 11 races yesterday — and all GOP contests — in what we pundits are calling Super Tuesday 3.0. Statistics cuckold Nate Silver (wisely) refused to call the vital Missouri and Mariana Islands Republican primaries. Nate whined there weren’t enough opinion polls, the security blanket of all election cowards. But the Dig went there. The Dig called the NMI caucus for Trump. The Dig called Missouri for Trump. And the Donald — and the Dig — won.

But I’m not here to gloat about my 100 percent accuracy in forecasting Republican primaries last night. The Dig also called Illinois and Missouri for Bernie, and both states just barely went for Hillary Clinton. The big story now is when, and how, Bernie Sanders drops out of the Presidential race.

Le Morte De Bernie Bros

By my gut-based calculations, it is now mathematically impossible for Bernie Sanders to win the Democratic Presidential nomination. This, of course, was also the case last May when Sanders entered the race. But now is the time for reckoning. Hillary’s delegate lead is insurmountable, no matter how hard Bernie’s racist cabal of misogynist internet harassers try to cyberbully Clinton delegates into uncommitting themselves.

The question now is when does Bernie drop out of the Presidential race, allowing Hillary an easy path towards being arrested for the capital crime of e-mailing Sidney Blumenthal (something I also predicted on Ohio radio yesterday). Here’s a suggestion: Bernie should drop out tomorrow and spend his remaining campaign funds on replacing too-left Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz with a respected moderate like Alan K. Simpson or John McCain. The alternative is Bernie keeps up his kayfabe campaign for another excruciating month, railing against the “billionaiahs” and “goys” until New York Democrats tell him, “eyy, I’m Ready for Hillary ova here! Gabbagool. I’m done with friggin’ misogynoir and lettin’ women take a back seat! I’m wit’ her! Angela, where’s the moozadell?”

Missouri and Illinois

I had projected that the Bernie Bros who violently suppressed Donald Trump’s freedom of speech would come out big to wave their fingers at women and color and erase people’s lived experiences in these states. Well, in Missouri, I was right–too right. As Sanders lost by a hair, one can only reason that his supporters tasted enough blood harassing veteran journalists off Twitter that they went across the aisle to vote for Donald Trump, taking votes directly out of Bernie Sanders’ hide. These thousands of misogynist virgin psychopaths likely arrived at the logical conclusion that the quicker way for them to destroy people of color is not through Bernie’s verbal violence, but Trump’s literal variety.

In Illinois, Bernie got a big helping of comeuppance. After badmouthing reformer-with-results Rahm Emanuel, the stubby-fingered mayor showed that the people in charge usually know best; I won’t speculate on what bizarre tricks Emanuel resorted to in order to secure Clinton’s win, but knowing Chicago, a great number of dead people voted. Here’s to Rahm–it may not be pretty, but you showed everyone why you’re “Hizzoner Damayor.” Save some deep dish-style pizza for me!

Welcome To The Show, Governor

I’ve long been realistically bullish with Ohio Governor John Kasich, especially spending a few days with him earlier this year. I say “realistic” because Kasich, like I, knew he would flat out lose several contests due to GOP voters’ dislike of the homeless. However, I also called what I term “qualified victories” — third place in Michigan, a commanding second place in New Hampshire, a warm bath and hot meal in Vermont, all of which were reinforced by Kasich’s eternal optimism. “There’s always going to be bottles to pick up” the governor would mumble quizzically at his campaign events in these states. At the time we didn’t know what that meant. Now we do. He cashed his shopping cart full of empties in at the Ohio primaries.

Kasich has a high approval rating in his home state, and you can see why. His long, rambling stories win hearts with Ohioans, who are fundamentally drifter-like in their sensibilities. Check out this yarn he spun in New Hampshire

I remember being a kid. There was always a guy near that lake…turns out, he was my milkman and my mailman. We loved each other in that community, you know, the guy at the gas station, he’d spank you when you misbehaved, because your parents are at work. You may be too young to know about this, but you know, you’d get Gatorade that came in glass bottles, and you’d get a straw. That was a community. Now the sheriff, he never liked me. When Fresno Bob and I [unintelligible] had it out for me.

These are the kind of stories that win hearts in the Buckeye State, where millions live under bridges, hop trains for transportation, and spend their evenings cooking beans in tin cans around campfires.

Governor Kasich, after napping under a quince tree for several months, you’ve waltzed into the national conversation using a classic homeless parlor trick. My hat is off to you, but of course, I saw it coming.

Goodbye Rubio Tuesday (No LoLs Please… I’m A Journalist! ;-))

Marco Rubio seemed like a sure thing to many a year ago. He had everything going for him, minus speaking ability, poise, calm under pressure, and ability not to cry. Still, despite getting manhandled by the “yuge!” racism juggernaut, Marco has a bright future in his party.

We saw that Marco was a true gentleman during the final interviews leading into his home state contest. Yes, he cried and admitted he would support Donald Trump in a general election, but he showed the pathos and moral conflict of a man who has been tested to his limits. Now, some cynics may say Marco is only sad because he’s a failed real estate hustler who was gifted a bunch of opportunities that he blew, all while saying things he didn’t believe at the behest of the hedge fund managers who kept his doomed campaign alive.

Well, I’ve got news for them: he’s also a human being. Yes, he may have been absolutely terrified during every phase of the campaign. He may have been metaphorically swirlied by Donald Trump, who literally came into his backyard and made him cry. His wife may leave him. He may spend long nights reading The Chive. He may go fully bald, rapidly. Maybe he’ll get a lump under his right pectoral, freak out about it, and text old girlfriends “hey….what if i had cancer. Lol but for real….” At 3 AM, only to find out it’s a calcium deposit from eating too many gummy vitamins and block their numbers out of shame. But he’s still young, with a bright future.

Look for Rubio to return four or eight years from now, having learned the lessons of 2016. Marco’s “X factor” is his ability to switch his beliefs and identity to adapt to political landscapes. A wiser, savvier Marco may shock me and you in 2024, when he returns as a Santeria worshipper after consulting several focus groups on optimal religions for return contenders to the presidential race.

Final Notes

Several Bernie Bros harassed me for my Ohio call for Hillary. I should know better, but I expect them to be lined up to kiss my Skechers in penance after my correct prediction. We all gotta eat toe sometimes, boys.

As contests grow fewer and far between, this is one of the last big nights will have like this, until the big ones. I just gotta say, I’m a lucky guy, and not just in my calls (but those too). Thanks for watching the greatest show on earth with me. For more coverage of Bernie’s inevitable physical/political death, Hillary Clinton’s grand jury proceedings, and Marco’s 8 year comeback path, follow me @carl_diggler! Peace, fam!

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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