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October 23, 2015

MORNING ROUND-UP: Hillary Can Now Introduce 11-Hour Energy Drink Featuring Republican Blood


On this day in 1946, the great “Weird Al” Yankovic was born, though his parents now admit they were hoping for a “Weird Allison.”



THOSE WHO DO NOT LEARN FROM HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO INVESTIGATE THE CLINTONS—Republicans used to have the courtesy to wait until a Clinton was elected president before beginning their impeachment, but the 11-hour inquisition of Hillary Clinton on Thursday showed that the early start hasn’t given them much of an advantage. Like Wile E. Coyote continually discovering there’s actually a mountain underneath that painted tunnel, Republicans on the House Select Committee on Benghazi kept imagining Clinton would crack under their withering rhetorical blows. The best they got was a brief coughing fit, which will be the subject of a new congressional committee by noon.

THE HEARING WAS SO LONG THAT Canada held two full election cycles just in the section held after lunch.

IT WAS SO LONG Judd Apatow thought he could cut 10-15 minutes from it.

IT WAS SO LONG THAT Chelsea Clinton is now president, having defeated George P. Bush.

IT WAS SO LONG THAT you could have gone to the hospital twice because your Viagra worked too well.

IT WAS SO LONG THAT even Trey Gowdy got a little sick of seeing himself on TV.

REPUBLICANS HAVEN’T LEARNED (and probably never will) that these sorts of witch hunts are the reason the Democratic base loves the Clinton. If they wanted to destroy her in this primary, they’d praise her.

AFTER A STRONG DEBATE, Joe Biden dropping out and a consensus that she stomped on seven hostile Republicans with the bemused smile of a hopped-up Bruce Lee, Clinton has had her best week since Republicans gifted her New York’s Senate seat. Yet she still faces an FBI investigation of her server and endless parsing of testimony that Republicans will somehow seek to turn into a disadvantage.


IN TODAY’S CAFE, here’s exclusive video showing what Republicans think they heard during Hillary’s Benghazi testimony, Supergirl reacts to Jeb Bush calling her “hot,” our Beltway insider hack Carl Diggler takes your questions, and are you part of America’s “sin problem”?



THE TRUMP FADE ISN’T JUST THE NAME OF A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT ANYMORE—The Des Moines Register Poll — which has the reputation of being the best poll in Iowa, which is like being the “hottest Duggar” — finds Donald Trump 9 points behind Ben Carson. The paper, which has been banned from Trump events for calling for him to drop out this summer, seems pleased about the results: “Donald Trump is the biggest loser in the new Iowa Poll,” the report opens.

EXPECT BEN CARSON’S VIEWS to start getting a little more scrutiny in the next few weeks. Maybe we shouldn’t completely get rid of Medicare? Maybe guns don’t prevent cancer? Maybe Muslims don’t magically appear to terrorize you whenever you say their name three times? Maybe that’s actually Beetlejuice.


SOAKING SENIOR CITIZENS FOR SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS THEY WANT TO CUT—If you often get emails with subject lines like “Boot Boehner,” “Dump McConnell,” “Drop a Truth-Bomb on Kevin McCarthy” and “Fire Paul Ryan,” you’re living in a dystopia worse than anything Orwell or Huxley imagined — and you’re probably a conservative. The one reason Republicans are relatable to much of America is that half their party hates the other half. And both sides use this fact to raise money.

This is why it’s important to blame both sides — Republicans and Tea Partiers.

ON ONE SIDE YOU HAVE THE ACTUAL RICH PEOPLE who don’t want to purposely destroy the economy because they own it. They’re the “establishment.” On the other side are true believers who’ve been promised that if they’d give enough the GOP would ban abortion, bring back school prayer and cut all the genitals out of porn. It hasn’t worked — except in Mississippi. All they’ve gotten is rampant inequality and the Ellen Show. This frustration has created a huge class of consultants who make money off bashing establishment Republican leaders, the New York Times reports.

THESE SAME CONSULTANTS ALSO put together Ted Cruz in a laboratory using the spare parts of Joe McCarthy, extra Osmonds and Sloth from the Goonies.



GOOGLE GETS WEIRD—The parent company of the search giant is now calling itself Alphabet and is investing billions in projects like self-driving cars, an electronic contact lens and solar-powered drones. Eventually we’ll all be replaced by Alphabet-branded sex robots that immediately begin Googling themselves.

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