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October 20, 2015

What’s Next For Jim Webb? 3 Great Options Await

Jim Webb announced Tuesday that he will no longer seek the Democratic nomination to be President. That doesn’t mean the former senator and Navy secretary won’t have career options.

He could:

1. Join The League of Assassins

The shadow organization’s mission, to hunt down and kill those they deem a danger to society, align with his stated goals. It’s a nice fit for someone with his foreign policy experience and mixed martial arts training.

2. Star in Southpaw II

As a a square-jawed adonis and experienced boxer who once took on Oliver North, Jim Webb would be a canny pick to star in a raw, honest movie about bludgeoning strangers. It would seem like an apt metaphor, because his own life has been a brawl. He’ll play a world champion boxer who really hits rock bottom, and has to fight to win back his life for his young daughter.

3. Found his own political party

For someone too conservative and violent for the Democratic Party, and not quite conservative and violent enough for the Republicans, it makes too much sense for Jim “Bloodlust and Gay Marriage” Webb not to start his own political party. It would center around the idea that going to a gay wedding is cool if you’re invited, but should anybody shove you while you’re throwing rice, you must shiv them in the neck.