CARL DIGGLER EXCLUSIVE: Louis C.K. Is The Poet Laureate Of This Election & Reminds Me of My Beautiful, Round Son

CARL DIGGLER EXCLUSIVE: Louis C.K. Is The Poet Laureate Of This Election & Reminds Me of My Beautiful, Round Son

PASADENA, CA - JANUARY 18: Creator/writer/actor Louis C.K. speaks onstage during the 'Louie' panel discussion at the FX Networks portion of the Television Critics Association press tour at Langham Hotel on January 18, 2015 in Pasadena, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

When New York Magazine arranged for an interview with renowned comedian-father Louis C.K., those old timers had no idea what they were in for. Louis is not someone who will pull punches when it comes to politics. Observe this epic truthbomb:

“It’s like if you were on a plane and you wanted to choose a pilot. You have one person, Hillary, who says, ‘Here’s my license. Here’s all the thousands of flights that I’ve flown. Here’s planes I’ve flown in really difficult situations. I’ve had some good flights and some bad flights, but I’ve been flying for a very long time, and I know exactly how this plane works.’”

Oh, it gets better. It gets epically better.

“Then you’ve got Bernie, who says, ‘Everyone should get a ride right to their house with this plane.’ ‘Well, how are you going to do that?’ ‘I just think we should. It’s only fair that everyone gets to use the plane equally.’ And then Trump says, ‘I’m going to fly so well. You’re not going to believe how good I’m going to fly this plane, and by the way, Hillary never flew a plane in her life.’ ‘She did, and we have pictures.’ ‘No, she never did it.’ It’s insane.”

Mic. Freakin’. Drop.

No — scratch that. Mic. Not only dropped. But. Destroyed. Smashed into a million tiny pieces beneath King Louie’s feet.

As a single noncustodial father I’ve long been inspired by Louis C.K.’s razor-sharp wit about the trials and tribulations of parenthood. For me, Louis is just someone who gets it. From his debut album My Unborn Daughter Is A Whore to his Comedy Central stand-up special “Why Don’t They Bring Back Child Slavery?” I’ve spent a decade laughing along with Louis’ quips about how tough it is to be a dad in this modern world.

I once saw this election as the stakes between two candidates. Not anymore. Louis made me think about my boy, my round, goddamn stupid, slow boy. Wow. Oh my god. He’s so beautiful. But he’s so stupid. Kids are so stupid. They take a freaking, doodie, right on the toilet, and you go, how? Kids complain about their smart phones? Well, it plays Minecraft! Holy crap. Jeeesus. It’s going to damn space. I have taken craps out of my ass that are more freaking grateful than kids. But I love my son so much that if like, Simpson Bowles and my son were trapped in a room, and I could only chose that one survives? I would wipe my freaking behind on Simpsons Bowles. I would kill Erskine Bowles. Holy heck. I love my son. He’s so freaking round. I love him.

And don’t get me started on Tinder. Yeah, I have a gut. That’s because I’m a freaking dad. Women, you are 23, you swipe left and you think the world is all washboard abs and poetic profiles about how “the world is my fantasy, and I am a traveler.” You think we single fathers don’t know? You think we don’t accidentally set our match settings to men from time to time due to system errors and observe the competition’s profiles? Enjoy it now, ladies, because once you hit 24 it’s all guys like me, devoted dads whose profiles say “here I am, take it or leave it.” And that’s if you’re lucky. That’s if hackers and glitches don’t prevent you from making completely reasonable matches with responsible men like me!

But I’d do anything for my son. He’s so round. That’s what being a father is. If this were the jungle I would impale Nate Silver with a wooden stake and serve his flesh to my round boy. That’s reality. It’s eat or be eaten. It’s basic science. You think you’re better than that? Clearly you’ve never seen the line at the CSPAN office when they’re releasing limited edition Clarence Thomas confirmation hearing VHSes.

Imagine if your son yelled at women all the time and wanted you to redistribute his Minecrafts. That’s Bernie. The ex-wife is Hillary. The corrupt family court judge is Trump. And the accepting women on Tinder who can see past age and credit rating is Jim Webb. I just explained the election to you. You’re welcome.

Thank you, you’ve been a great audience. Hillary is going to win the D.C. primary tomorrow. Good night!

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.