Listen to the CAFE Insider podcast
May 20, 2016

CARL DIGGLER’S FRIDAY MAILBAG: How Trump & Paul Ryan Can Compromise Around Their Plans for Welfare Recipients & Pregnant Teens

Ten-hut, Digsters! With the Democratic primary resembling the Syrian Civil War in every single possible way except actual killings (so far…), we’re going with a military theme today. But even the troops have songs.

Destiny’s Child, take us away!

Dig, you’re a shill for the DNC. I don’t know how you sleep at night while you suppress democracy. Your accounting of events in Nevada was completely wrong. First of all, there was no physical violence at all. In fact, the boisterous booing and angered atmosphere caused by the —

Whoa there, Dylan Cry-bold, why don’t you cool it with the hate that your dudebro assault rifle is spitting out at a tedious-yet-steady pace.

Bernie Bros are unable to accept yelling, booing, the infamous “finger,” and Joker t-shirts as violence because their brains have been warped by first person shooters and “torture porn” media such as Saw and Ray Donovan. 

By the way, the authorities have been contacted about your email.

Is Paul Ryan actually going to endorse Trump?

Mary in Dothan, AL

Speaker Ryan has been holding his cards close to his chest on the matter of supporting his party’s nominee. He’s expressed reservations about Trump’s nasty tone and humiliation of various prominent Republicans’ wives. But at the end of the day I know they’re going to put their differences aside and endorse each other.

We may never know what went down when Ryan and Trump held a private one-on-one two weeks ago. But I like to think that when the doors closed and the cameras winked off, these two gentlemen loosened their ties, put out a snifter of brandy, and looked at each other eye-to-eye not as politician and businessman, but as two men just trying to get by in this crazy world. Something magical happens when you actually sit down with your enemies, light up a couple cigars, and swap a few off-color jokes. You start to see things from their perspective, and you start to compromise.

Sure, Paul Ryan may not want to build a 50-foot wall to keep the minorities out. But maybe they can settle for an electric fence or some sort of non-lethal drone network. And Trump might tell his fans that Ryan is “an Eddie Munster-looking cuck who’s a terrible speaker, just terrible, one of the all-time worst.” But after sharing some drinks with the man, maybe Trump came around to see the value in his innovative plans to put welfare recipients to work in medical experiments and forcing pregnant teenagers to pay off the national debt. That’s just called compromise. I expect Ryan to publicly endorse Trump in the next few weeks.

Trump seems to be catching up with Hillary in national polls. How do you see things playing out in November?

Ronald R. Gaines in Clearwater, FL

Well, if the election were held today, Ben Sasse would probably win the plurality of votes, but that’s neither here nor there. A lot can happen between now and November, including Bill Clinton and Donald Trump both wearing blackface, or the re-emergence of  Lincoln Chafee. Strap in, because we’re going for a wild ride!

Hiya Dig Man,

Watching you destroy Chris Cillizza and his henchman Callum Borchers brought back memories of the time I visited the smouldering ruins of Darkcrag Monastery, where I sliced the mighty mind flayer Lord Ngorrak and his imp Cung with my mithril battleaxe Bloodreaver. And I did it all from the comfort of Essex County, New Jersey. How is this possible, you ask? Through the magic — or, should I say, wizardry — of a little roleplaying game called Dungeons and Dragons.

Every week me and a group of intrepid gamers gather in my friend Scott’s rumpus room, where  we enter another world full of swordplay and enchantment. When I enter that world, I’m no longer the Milk. I’m Gul “The Orc” Orcberg, a level 17 barbarian outlander whose thirst for blood is rivaled only by his lust for wenches.

Dig, you’re probably asking yourself how you can get in on some of this high fantasy tabletop action. Well you’re in luck! One of our regular players had to drop out because his FEMALE popped-out a baby. The rest of the guys all agree that his replacement should be none other than the legendary Slayer of 538.

So whaddya say, Dig Man? I’ve got some great ideas for your character. You could be Carduin Dyglyr, a wise cleric and elfin nobleman who bends the ears of powerful lords and is feared for his power to call the winners and losers of the tenday. Or perhaps you could be a thaumaturgist, since after all you’re so well known for turning “Silver” into “shit!” The only limit is your imagination and the 400-page player’s manual, which you should immediately begin studying.

– David “The Milk” Milkberg, Essex Co., NJ


I must say I’m impressed. I have long admonished you never to bring up video games, a frivolous pastime for stupid children, to me again. Yet you seem to have found a loophole, bringing up an equally asinine avocation to invite me to. It should go without saying that I will not be participating in your pathetic nerd hobby. While you’re sitting in some waterlogged basement, writing down meaningless numbers in your silly fantasy world, I’ll be out in the real world calculating which candidates are up or down with Walgreens Moms and Snapchat Dads. Congratulations nonetheless on your minor personal victories over made-up ghouls and dragons. They are, however, meaningless and futile.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

To try CAFE’s Morning Shot email, sign up here.