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January 18, 2016

DEBATE REPORT CARD: Bernie Discriminates Against Bankers! Hillary Threatens Enemies! O’Malley Dazzles “Wire” Fans!

Some negative nellies (mostly ignorant Bernie Baby novices) said no one would watch the last Democratic debate before Iowa and New Hampshire due to competition from NFL sportsball (I call it “sportsball” instead of “football” to underscore my disdain for athletics), church, Martin Luther King Day, and UFC. But real fans of tooth-and-nail competition — like us political junkies! — knew where our eyes would be planted this Sunday night. Yes, like the UFC, there were destructive drug addictions, horrible toothless white failures, and tasteless spectacles. But instead of fighting for a tin belt, this was a real no-holds-barred brawl for leadership tonight. And leadership, Digheads, is the greatest title of them all.

Here’s how the candidates did tonight:

Trump Resemblance Racism, Misogyny Plan For ISIS Can Of Soda Pop Pathetic Begging For Money Attacking 9/11 Victims FINAL GRADE
A+ Tied Taxes Used To Be A Buffalo Nickel, What Happened? F Really, Sir? D-

Bernie gave one of the most deplorable and tone-deaf debate performances of his career. Just days after another wholly unlikable candidate with a grating voice and deformed facial features was roundly condemned for attacking “New York values,” Bernie picked up that banner of hatred and division by attacking Wall Street over and over again on stage. Sen. Sanders, have you no shame? Don’t answer that, sir — I know you do not.

A quick history lesson for this anti-Patriot Act extremist: Just 14 years ago, America was attacked by terrorists. Their target? That’s right, Bernie, it was Wall Street, the very place you inexplicably hate, you slovenly infant. Bernie sure loves to draw a false contrast between “Main Street values” and “Wall Street values.” But when I think of “Wall Street values,” I think of the days after 9/11, when hedge fund managers, investment bankers, and futures traders of all tax brackets and Ivies overcame their differences and supported one another, inviting strangers who had lost everything into their penthouses, their wine cellars, and their sex dungeons. These all-American Wall Street folks dished out patriotism with a heaping side of compassion, giving hugs to strangers, receiving hugs from corpulent federal prosecutors, and cheering on the rescue workers tasked with sifting through the wreckage at Ground Zero.

For a candidate whose supporters are primarily lily-white racist misogynists, it’s no surprise that Bernie wants to create a new series of discriminatory laws targeting big bankers. Bernie would have it so Wall Street bankers couldn’t donate to political campaigns or Super PACs, so they were banned from finding jobs as Presidential cabinet members, so they would be forced to break up the very financial institutions where colleagues have become lifelong friends and even lovers. What next, Bernie? Banning marriage between bankers and non-bankers? Forcing bankers out of their high-rise condos in Williamsburg and DUMBO and turning Lower Manhattan into a slum?

Bernie is threatening another 9/11 on Wall Street — a regulatory 9/11. If President Sanders’ backwards-looking Glass-Steagall Act passes, I fear we’ll see more bankers jumping out of windows than we saw on that dark day.

Kitchen Table Keeping It In The Family You Ask Too Many Questions How About You Meet My Good Friend Vince Foster? He’s With His Pal Chris Stevens. Omertà FINAL GRADE
C B+ B+ D D A C+

Faced with an exciting sparkplug like Martin O’Malley (more on him later) and a screeching desert creature like Sanders, Secretary Clinton decided to charge down the middle and defend her positions as the extension of President Obama’s. When she wasn’t doing that, she deftly skirted thinly-veiled questions from moderators about Bill’s possibly dozens of murders committed while Governor of Arkansas, by intimating he would start out advising policy “from the kitchen table.” This was classic Clinton, letting your enemies know that they’re channeling their strength (endless willingness and ability to kill) for when they need it the most.

Hillary stumbled a bit in foreign policy, as a question about the much-maligned “reset’ with Vladimir Putin in 2009 came up. While she stammered through some minor victories achieved on that end, later questions about her family’s sordid past indicated once again that yes, Hillary would happily add the Russian premier’s corpse to a pile that may or may not be attributable to the Clinton empire should it come to that.

Robert’s Rules Of Order Tenacity Maryland-Specific Credentials Maryland-Specific Accomplishments Maryland-Specific Policies Throat Viscosity FINAL GRADE
A B+ A- A- A- C B+

With Bernie preaching treason and Hillary threatening to kill again, establishment-favorite O’Malley once again won by default. Tonight he did it by talking about his extensive experience. When it came to the economy, O’Malley was there to pipe in with his odd wooden voice and let people know he chaired the Eastern Seaboard Mayor’s Association For Economic Progress from April 2009 to July 2009. When it came to ISIS, O’Malley was there, talking about when he chaired the Anti-Terror Preparedness Committee for the Annapolis Model Train Convention. When the questions went to climate change and Black Lives Matter, O’Malley proudly told voters he pushed for solar-powered hand dryers at Camden Yards. Young, white voters are enamored by “The Wire,” so O’Malley’s constant references to his Baltimore-only resume should do well for him in that demographic. Still, he’s only 90 percent of the way there. In order for the presumptive nominee to fully assume his candidacy, he must appear presidential. It’s time for O’Malley to aggressively attack Hillary Clinton on Vince Foster, the email server, the Arkansas Dead List, and numerous other crimes that still exist inside the statue of limitations for Hillary.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.