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April 5, 2016

CARL DIGGLER EXCLUSIVE: Behold My Wisconsin Primary Predictions

Go Pack Go! That’s what I’d be saying if I were writing an insipid “sporpsball” preview for Wisconsin and its many teams, which I am not. I am in fact previewing the only real athletic contest known to man: the game of politics. Maybe our competitors don’t have rippling muscles or big endorsement deals, but our stars make just as many alpha-seeking females swoon and actually make a difference in this world.

Over 120 delegates are at stake in today’s Wisconsin Presidential primary. This is a must-win state for underdogs like Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders. Whoever wins this epic Cheese State showdown will gain crucial momentum going into the New York primary two weeks from today.

While flyover country sportslikers were watching their March Madness Super Bowl, the Dig was peering into his crystal ball to forecast which candidates will score crucial “home runs” today. To kick things off, I’ll start with the Republican side:

Projected Wisconsin Winner: Sen. Ted Cruz

My official call relies on a modified version of the Diggler Southern Racial Voter Theory. Now, Wisconsinites are mostly a simple people. They eat their three lunches, kiss their often enormous children on their often featureless faces, and go to church so they can pray for the 2 Broke Girls. But football causes a change in many dairy people’s brains.

You see, pigs actually change into a different species when they’re released in the wild. Their fur grows. Their teeth become sharper. They become faster, and less docile. The same thing happens to Wisconsinites when football is in question. Their blood oath to the Packers is their lifeblood and currency. They hate Chicago, New York, and every other city that opposes their prophesied path to the Super Bowl trophy that will usher in a 1,000 year blood reign.

These people see Ted Cruz as one of their own due to his dairy-like skin and hatred of big Northeastern cities, and they see Donald Trump as a vicious enemy of their way of life. And these pigs are about to morph in the voting booth.

Further complicating things for Trump is Scott Walker, the beloved oaf Governor of Wisconsin. The dunderhead of state has had his pratfalls — he’s faced a recall election, fallen into countless manholes, and once spent an entire week with a broken flowerpot on his head and his tongue out. Yet these challenges have endeared Walker to Republican voters. Last spring, when a piano fell on him and birds flew around his head symbolizing a concussion, the governor impressed his party faithful by playing all the keys with his tongue.

This cartoonish lug has thrown his mentally deficient weight behind Ted Cruz, pointing to the unlikable Texan as the straight man in his nonstop slapstick romp. That leaves Donald Trump as the evil rich man who makes him move a very heavy safe while a buxom flapper’s dress is caught in the wind, causing Walker to drop the safe on his foot and scream comically. Unfortunately for Trump, this spells defeat.

Despite his high hopes for winning here, John Kasich and his ragtag team of vagrants were run out of the state on a rail on Thursday, causing them to forfeit Wisconsin.

Now for the Democratic contest:

Projected Wisconsin Winner: Sen. Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders will keep his Presidential hopes alive with a key victory here tonight, but don’t expect it to be a clean one. In the past few days, the Sanders campaign has taken an ugly, nihilistic turn, when the geriatric candidate doxxed Hillary Clinton’s donors in the oil industry and used insufficient toilet accommodations to humiliate respected journalists at a rally in the Bronx.

Now, on top of organizing harassment of women online, the Bernie camp is encouraging supporters to vote multiple times and enlisting the aid of misogynist hate groups, according to text messages leaked by this brave whistleblower:

Perhaps most offensive of all, Bernie has spent much of his time campaigning here attacking Scott Walker in a cruel attempt to galvanize elitist Democrats who look down on the mentally enfeebled governor. These voters tend to have post-secondary degrees and a strong superiority complex, causing them to be receptive to mean-spirited jibes at a village simpleton.

Granted, Scott Walker isn’t very popular with the left because he eliminated collective bargaining rights, instituted a draconian voter ID law, and traded away the state’s pension fund for a map to some golden beans. But he still has feelings.

So Mr. Sanders, when you’re up there tonight delivering your victory speech, using your big words like “disenfranchisement” and “executive,” I hope for one second you think of this poor man you hurt to get where you are, and I hope you feel a twinge of shame, sir:

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at [email protected] or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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